Saturday morning, sunny, windy, a bit chilly Belmont. I’ve been awake for hours~meditated, took  a walk while reading Healing Code, sunglasses over reading glasses, the morning sun washing me in memories of simplier times, the crisp air on my face,  bringing me to other days, other walks…

A simple walk, savored… years upon years of being bedside, not outside. Nothing simple, nothing taken for granted, a miracle moment… feeling the air, seeing a squirrel on the power line, smelling bacon from a house as I passed by, hearing  the slapping of feet on the pavement, breath in and out. Each and every awareness provoking an intensity of life. LIFE!

I haven’t written since returning home. It seems so complicated. Words, written words… my inability to capture the textures, contradictions, vacillation, so many layers to everything…and my unwillingness to put anything down that doesn’t seem to depict  the real “it.” The Joys and Demands of work back in place, halting time to reflect. The freedom of a schedule/the bondage of that same schedule. It has been daunting to approach writing any of “it”, so I have remained silent.

The  dilemma:

How much is too much?  How to be true to the essence of it all?… so many dimensions…. There is not one thing only.  I believe in the healing happening, of “things not yet seen.” It is complicated, in light of this, to find the place between amplification of the positive that is tangible vs in the arena of faith, and minimization of the “bad stuff” so as not to give it energy/power.  It is both/and, not either/or.  It takes resolute faith and the tolerance of ambiguity wedded to each other,  to move forward.

Then:

Who has the courage to see/feel/accept and not turn away?  Who has the strength and love to continue to care and invest—to feel the horror in observing our struggles, to face one’s own fears,  to be willing to have one’s beliefs challenged, comfort zone breached… To take the risk to keep bearing witness, to relinquish the comfort  of not knowning, to really look upon this thing…to resist the sugarcoating and clichés,  to keep loving, to keep standing in the gap with us until the healing fully manifests?

For now, I will simply catch up, simply.

Dannie and Kyler remain in India. Knowing  before embarking on this journey that with the depth of healing needed, she most likely will require undergoing several episodes of treatment,  still didn’t dilute our optimism that Dannie would have extraordinary, supernatural even,  results right away. Each of us have taken turns restating this for the others, “it takes time” “often the change doesn’t happen until after the second or third visit” “we knew this going in”…. and we celebrate each moment when debilitating symptoms are at all kept at bay just enough for something other than managing, coping, to be possible.

• With her first round of treatment completed, Dannie’s spect scan showed improvement…  some cognitive improvements noted, with the hoped for  improvement in pain and other symptoms lagging behind…not happening yet.  We await the surfacing of the healing that is happening inside Dannie over the next several months. Quite exhausted from the treatment and hospitalization ordeals, Dannie and Kyler moved from the clinic to a hotel to rest and to reevaluate whether or not Dannie would stay on and receive more treatment before coming home, or come home and return after a more extended rehab/rest period. The weeks of hoped for rest and relaxation have been challenging, coping with continuing pain and myriad other symptoms. Happy moments have emerged in the midst: ~a few visits to the pool, and leaving the hotel twice to be a “tourist” with pure JOY. Rare and precious photo opts. Soak it in, make it more real, bigger, louder, brighter than the days, months on either side of it. The golf course, visiting a monkey down the street.

In two years, Dannie and Kyler can now herald four or five “dates.”  In the spirit of full disclosure of the “it” , these celebrations of “normalcy” which are anything but normal for Dannie and Kyler, are sandwiched between heroic efforts on Dannie’s part to get up and moving, override symptoms taunting her resolve to do it anyway, starts and stops, often hours of trying… adrenaline, courage, insistence, faith,  she pushes forward… as fully as possible she doggedly pursues the target activity that she set out for , working through pain, nausea, hot flashes, dizziness, sensory overload and sensitivity that she masks beautifully to reduce any discomfort her pain would cause those around her…..then  followed by days of “paying for it” with punishing symptoms…. On the outside she can make it look nearly effortless. Those of us who have been there to observe this process, behind the scenes, are exhausted just observing her ,  and in awe.  Kyler  by her side.

I just received a text from Kyler that it would be better to wait to call Dannie until tomorrow, as she is having a tough time right now.

Dannie has decided to come home, after much contemplation and prayer, she is guided to rest, recuperate, and gather strength before returning for more treatment.  We have been trying to get flights for three weeks, with no luck. Securing flights with the donated air miles  has proven a bit like trying to do a Rubik cube. Lorrilynn Conely, an amazing woman that we have never met, has donated literally tens of hours arranging all of the flights from the beginning of this journey. We have a doctor who will fly over to bring Dannie back, whose visa, for some unknown reason, has not come through, a full two weeks, plus, of waiting. Another test of faith. I can hear in Dannie’s voice and Kyler’s silence that they are growing weary.  115 degree heat,  no “second string” they have bravely navigated this part of the journey, the two of them.

·         Kyler’s Facebook post this past week:

Dannie Steele, this is for you. Love Kyler

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MlJWsS7reIk Chris Medina

Music video by Chris Medina performing What Are Words. (C) 2011 19 Recordings, Inc.

“What Are Words”

Anywhere you are, I am near
Anywhere you go, I’ll be there
Anytime you whisper my name, you’ll see

Where every single promise I’ll keep
Cause what kind of guy would I be
If I was to leave when you need me most

What are words
If you really don’t mean them
When you say them

What are words
If they’re only for good times
Then they’re done

When it’s love
Yeah, you say them out loud
Those words, They never go away
They live on, even when we’re gone

And I know an angel was sent just for me
And I know I’m meant to be where I am
And I’m gonna be

Standing right beside her tonight
And I’m gonna be by your side
I would never leave when she needs me most

What are words
If you really don’t mean them
When you say them

What are words
If they’re only for good times
Then they’re done

When it’s love
Yeah, you say them out loud
Those words, They never go away
They live on, even when we’re gone

Anywhere you are, I am near
Anywhere you go, I’ll be there
And I’m gonna be here forever more

Every single promise I’ll keep
Cause what kind of guy would I be
If I was to leave when you need me most

I’m forever keeping my angel close

Says it all…

THANK YOU TO ALL OF YOU WHO ARE STANDING BY US.

Now June 27, 2012 at five a.m. Sunrise here,…no answer in India as evening comes on there.

I will update on Ari tomorrow.

Hoping for news on the Visa and Flights today.