If home is where the heart is…

In New Delhi on May 11, 2012 at 9:18 pm

A peaceful moment… sitting in the lounge at the Delhi airport with a latte, waiting for my flight, the first of three that will bring me home to Belmont late Thursday night.
A sprinkling of what look like business men in the lounge, one blonde woman who just left when the flight to Moscow was called. Hushed voices, clicking of computer keys, vacuuming in the background~ it is 3:30 a.m.
A tender, sweet parting leaving Dannie to continue her treatment at NuTech, as Kyler slept. She insisted of wheeling herself down to the front of the hospital to see me off.I hope she is sleeping by now. Such a complicated intertwining of thoughts and feelings. Amongst the most difficult moments. I notice that I am choosing to only give voice to the affirmative thoughts. Period. We are both strong women, and we are anchored in our faith. Clint, Ari’s constant companion in India, stepped in for Ari and offered to accompany me to the airport. Though only the travelers are allowed in the airport, having him in the taxi, and walking me to the entrance was comforting and gave me the opportunity to express to him my great appreciation and love… and to affirm that he has a wonderful life ahead.
I am anticipating a joyful reunion with Ari and excited to listen as he sorts through this most amazing experience and the changes and choices ahead.
Praying constantly for healing, for peace and a time when I will not feel divided.

Now in Abu Dhabi, I took advantage of the lounge shower… warm water… scrubbing off dust….clean big fluffy towels… good smells…latte, computer, no phone until SFO… time to breathe. Amazing amenities. … returning to my wage-earner role, despite the magnetic pull to continue to be by Dannie’s side as advocate, hair washer, listener, history keeper, voice, case manager, and general overseer running interference, paving the way, softening the blows when ever possible… which has not been nearly enough. Pull to be present with Ari. Onward.

Later: 25 plus hours, three planes , three countries. I am waking in Belmont this morning. Fifty degrees colder. Greeted by Wayne at the airport, Ari at the front door smiling, hugging, flanked by wiggly dogs, a beautifully welcoming home make over by Love Works, a quiet, fluffy, newly covered bed to settle into… instant connection with Ari’s experience, so difficult to put into words, the oriented, disorientation. Here and there… not here or there… Heart divided, no, heart expanded…. where is the resting place…. travel too long, no too short to capture the real change across the miles, the experience. It is all in process, no final conclusions to arrive at, where is the resting place? between breaths. notice the moment between breaths. There won’t be a conclusion… string of awarenesses, themes, glimpses of transcendent truths and a lot of unsorted stuff…
I am needing sleep. Dannie just called. Garbled, couldn’t understand most word..sleepy weak voice, but warm, connected. Understood feelings: love, tired, going forward, strong. And get to the bank for more money!

What habits broken not to resume… what to do with the caregiving hours, which pile to tackle first…. And Monday back to six day work week. I think I will watch a movie and go back to sleep. Brunch with Ari later. Maybe some chosen aloneness to breath.

And Sheila, Dear Sheila will be on her way to Dannie in a week. Blessed Sheila. My heart rests.

Psalm 139:9-10
“If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.” NIV

  1. welcome home! rest.


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