April 22, 2012 (can it possibly be?)

Hello All,

It has been some time since I posted, with several attempts which did not gain enough momentum to be completed. My wish is to have happy news, unrestrained. In the absence of that, and due to continual demands here, I have not been able to carve out the time to sit at the computer and sift through all that is happening and construct it into words. Many twists and turns, many obstacles, many moments of exasperation, yet we go forth.

Naked truth this morning: Dannie continues in excruciating pain. She is in a minute to minute survival experience still. ~10~ pain, throwing up at 3 a.m….We herald the moments when she is able to break free enough to have a moment of extraordinary, approximated, normalcy… like sitting up in bed and chatting about something other than pain, like laughing at a “America’s funniest home videos”-yes, in Delhi, like a breif venture out in her wheelchair that took days to work up to, like eating a meal and not paying for it with paralyzing pain or throwing up.  Sliding sideways, baby steps toward normalcy… and we rejoice.

Holding On

The stem cells are working, as indicated by retracing… waiting for the relief to come. We know it may take several trips, yet we still expect and have hope that some relief will be eminent.  More so, we pray for sudden, miraculous and complete healing to trump all other efforts.

Ari is retracing some of his most difficult symptoms right now, as well. He has the recent memory of feeling great to easily recall… while working through the return of nausea, exhaustion, hot and cold sweats, altered cognition,  shooting pain… to name a few.  He is having “end of journey jitters” wanting to be home right now while at the same time wanting to stay to focus on pursuing some business ideas he has for pro-typing a handbag line that he has been sketching for some time, and exploring manufacturing options. Next trip!  Ideas abound, time and energy are limited!

getting ready for procedure

I am great. I am! I have moments of grieving, moment of sadness, moments of cell-shaking tears, moments of feeling that I cannot watch/hear/sense my son or daughter suffer one more thing, one more moment of distress of any kind, one more parried effort to reach out toward life, one more aspect of human existence again deferred, one more insensitive comment or action, one more admonishment that change is coming, is coming, is coming for twelve years and counting. Yet in the midst of this, I have many more moments of quiet, settled, resolve to see this through, whatever comes.

Then there is joy… which springs forth in the midst of writing, talking, or reflecting on the horror of it. Side by side… the endless sadness and boundless faith and hope.

My mantra continues to be faith, not fear!  as a prayer, as a meditation, as a reminder to breathe, as a reminder that there is always always always choice.

Spring outside the window

Ari is returning home May First!!!!! I miss him already. His presence, his smile, his attention to logistics, his insistence on excellence for his mother and sister … his love expressed clearly and directly have been pure joy and sustenance for me.